I’ve got a confession to make, which is cool because I’ve been making them for awhile now:

(Editors note: People say “nobody has to know everything about you”, and that’s true but there’s a lot to know. A lot of shit I feel can help people on their journey, and so I tell it… fuck it)

Anyways, I have this disorder called trychotillomania.

It’s where you pull your hair out.

Now, I only know this because I looked it up on WebMD.

And nah, I don’t have it as bad as described: I don’t actually tear the shit out. I just love the feel of my hair when it gets long.

I cannot keep my fucking hands off of it. The cleaner it is, the better: fresh out of the shower, the more I want to touch it.

I will twist it and play with it and fuck with it all day every day.

It never stops.

If I’m working on my laptop, 90% of the time you will see me stopping to twirl my hair.

I’m in a ride in an Uber, it’s the same thing.

On the shitter? Twisting.

Look, I know it’s a little weird but there are lots of bad habits.

I coulda been jacking off all day every day, or stuffing my face with Krispy Cremes.

Anyways, no matter what the circumstance, holiday or occasion, I’m busier than a pig in slop with this bad habit.

I call it a “bad” habit because I’ve decided that it is.

I used to make the argument that it was giving me time to think, that it would cause me to go into a deeper concentration, which I guess to a point that’s true, the only problem is doing this for long enough causes follicles of hair to come out.

I have a baller ass head of hair.

There are few people with a mane as thick and voluminous as mine.

I just naturally have great genetics on the hair side (and all sides, if you knowwhatimsayin).

So it’s not like it’s causing too much of a problem, but I’ve decided that I’m done with it.

It hasn’t totally inhibited my ability to get things done; In fact, I’ve came a long way in the past few months where my hair has reached it’s longest length in a long time, where I’ve messed with it probably more than I ever have.

I’ve made it further than I’ve ever made it in my life, actually.

Living totally in my truth; a location free lifestyle and a mindset of growing abundance.

One of the perks about traveling the world is that you start seeing all these other cultures doing their thing not giving fucks about what people think and you just go with it.

Where in America maybe I would have kept away from the hair in public, I said screw it and went all in on it.

I thought “Fuck what people think, these mother fuckers toss their bags of trash in THEIR FUCKING OCEAN.”

I better not hear shit about the hair. (and I didn’t, of course)

But this “bad” habit…

It started get to me, not in the way that it was “semi” self-destructive, but because of my dedication to it; my commitment to it.

I looked at my art in comparison, my journaling and my writing and realized the side by side between my passion and pulling they were nowhere even close.

The hair obsession won by light years.

My journaling is something I do every morning. I write down my initial thoughts and prepare for the day, and then my affirmations as well as my alterations.

Alterations are basically manifestations. I believe this world we live in is a system, a simulation – basically, a giant virtual reality game that I am playing. I use alterations to recode things I don’t like about it, and believe it or not, that’s what happens.

You’d think the ability to recode my entire universe would come first and foremost in my life, but as soon as I woke up most days I would grab my phone and start looking at social media.

Sometimes I would get up, take a dump and, whilst on the toilet scrolling away, find my way to the hair.

From then on, it was on and popping.

I’m really glad they don’t have an app to track bad habits yet, but even if they did I wouldn’t really want to know how much time during the day I spent twirling away.

That’s not the sign of someone who believes they have that type of power and control. If I truly believed that, would I still be at the mercy of something like a weird comfort habit?

It started to bug me really bad, because what of my art?

What of the message I produce to the world?

Does this come second, third or fourth nature to a bad habit as well?

This beautiful gift that had provided me the ability to recreate my reality, to overcome all odds in my life – prison, drugs, depression… This gift that allowed me to live a lifestyle I’d always dreamed of?

Was this how I honored that gift?

By putting it on the backburner?

By ‘getting around to it’ by lunch time, after the social media, after (and during, like a madman during) the hair fondling, after lunch?

Fuck that.

I started to break down and study exactly what I was doing.

I wanted to understand the mechanics of this habit, so I could find a solution to it and overcome.

But not just overcome, I wanted to use it.

I believe things in your life are here for a reason, no matter the good the bad or the ugly. They are all here as part of the story.

The worse the shit, the more valuable the lesson hidden inside like a pearl in a clam. (I think it’s clams that have the pearls…)

I would do what I learned from Tony Robbins with this habit: He said to model people that you wanted to achieve similar success of.

That had served me somewhat well during my life.

No disrespect to Tony, but I don’t copy anyone anymore. Not that it doesn’t work, it works like gangbusters, but the problem is that you lose yourself along the way.

You become the person you’re modeling fully; and to some degree building a house of cards that will eventually have to come down. Not following the story that guides you is following the herd. That’s a surefire way AWAY from fulfillment. That’s what everyone else is doing.

I’m an artist.

I do what the fuck I want to do.

If that takes me miles away from a Lambo, then fuck it.

Anyways, I decided to steal Tonys concept for the habit.

Instead of modeling someone else, I would model my good habit onto the bad habit.

But first, I had to rid myself of the bad habit completely.

So what did I do?

I cut my hair off.


Easy peezy, lemon squeezy.

My shit looks dope as hell now anyways… kind of like a Brad Pitt in Fight Club right before he launched Project Mayhem.

Which is exactly what I’m doing now, anyways: Bringing forth chaos upon the world.

You’re probably like “Pat my bad habit is not something so simple as hair, I can’t just cut it off.”

But maybe it is, and you just haven’t explored that option.

Do you think I wanted to cut my hair off? I have BEAUTIFUL fucking locks, as mentioned in the beginning of this post and sporadically throughout.

Let’s say my bad habit was drinking or doing drugs, there’s ways to cut it off.

I quit drugs by going to prison. You could quit them by moving away from your friends who do them.

You have to dramatically change your environment if you want dramatic results.

The point is, there’s a fucking way.

You’re the one writing this simulation and you can write yourself a door out.

It may not be pretty or sexy or easy, but it’s there and it’s available.

Find the way, and do it.

That’s all there is to it; if you fully subscribe to the belief that you are in control of this reality, then act like it.

Change the circumstance.

Okay so now that the habit is gone, and it’s crazy how easy that was. I’ve actually been through this before, as I said it happens every time my hair gets long, so I know how it goes.

But it will amazes me by how quickly the shift from full blown addict to not even caring or thinking about it happens. I may have thought about it two or three times in the days since I cut it.

But it’s not there and I can’t touch it so it’s done and I’m busy thinking about other things. My hands and fingers are busy typing out the extra long blog post.

This time will be used to model that bad habit so that I absorb it’s energy and power this time rather than letting it go to waste.

I think about the disorder; the trychotillomania.


That’s what it is…

Definition 1:

mental illness marked by periods of great excitement or euphoria, delusions, and overactivity.

Definition 2:

an excessive enthusiasm or desire; an obsession.

Both of those definitions are accurate descriptions of what I experience.

When I had my hair in my hands, especially when it was fresh-out-of-the-shower squeaky clean, it was a euphoric feeling of total satisfaction when messing with it.

So I take those words: Euphoric feeling of total satisfaction and model them onto the way it feels when I am writing my thoughts or pushing the keys of my laptop.

I map those words onto the words I think when I am in creative flow. I map that feeling of mania onto the feeling I get when I am typing or pushing a pen in my hand.


Delusions and overactivity.

I had to stop myself from my twisting; I had to remind myself that there people around.

Women probably thought of it as a bad health indiciator; someone who was unstable, but I didn’t give a fuck.

Anywhere, any time, any how, any way…

I would show up.

At a coffee shop, I would be in the hair.

What would it be like if I was relentlessly committed to my art in the same way?

Consistently buried in my work; bringing forth those new creations?

What would the world think then?

The exact same fucking thing, of course.

“He’s unhealthy, he’s obsessed to just pull out his laptop and his notepad anywhere and constantly be writing and working.”


I did have delusions when I was twisting my hair as well. It was a place of comfort for me to retreat to. My mother said I had been like that since I was a kid, constantly twisting things like my blanket.

It’s a comfort thing, but comfort is merely a delusion. It’s a sign of resistance. A place for you to retreat from action and passion, a place where you don’t have to show the world who you really are and face the rejection.

The comfort allows you to enjoy your delusions that all the things you ever wanted have already happened or are happening right now…

You can daydream about these things and live inside them without ever actually having to live through them.

The interesting thing about living in a delusion or a daydream is that you never fail in them.

That’s not how this game is played and that’s not WHY you came to play it, either; a two-player game with a controller in your hand in the other controller sitting on the floor?

That’s not a game; it’s not life.

synonyms: obsession, compulsion, fixation, fetish, fascination, preoccupation, passion, enthusiasm, desire, urge, craving, craze, fad, rage; More

It’s was a compulsion, something seemingly out of my own control to pull my hair; but it was something my higher self would never be a part of.

His art is his COMPULSION.

It’s something that just springs forth, it’s something he does out of the blue, in the middle of a conversation with someone.

It springs forth and there is no off button until he MAKES it stop.

You have to put your finger in the dyke to stop the water from springing forth and flooding the city.

You have to hold it there and refuse to let it come forth.

That’s the alternative from people who don’t have it; that’s the alternative to what I was doing:

Forcing the art.

Dragging ass to bring myself to the workshop; meanwhile showing up like a fucking madman to this lump of dead skin on top of my head.


My art is a manic syndrome.

I cannot resist it; it finds me in the unlikeliest of places


I can’t run from it.

It beckons me like that snake on the Jungle Book

The eyes turnining into spinning plates of hypnosis; me, powerless against the spell

I float towards it’s gaze

I create without thinking and I produce withtout resistance

There’s nothing holding me back from this most powerful of inclinations

If the world can’t handle it; it will just have to deal with it

This is a habit I shall never cut off

It’s something I’d be willing to lose everything over

Being me is the habit

Creation is my manic compulsive behavior

No matter how messy it is for me

No matter how disgusting it is to the eyes of others

It’s me

What are your bad habits? Leave a comment below, I’d like to see if I can figure out a way to help you convert it to power.

What is your darkest one?

I know by naming things, you do take away their power.

It’s when we keep things in the dark that they fester and mold and continue to grow.

Anything in this world can be used to convert into a power source, you have to believe that exists.

You have to believe it despite the fact that they tell you otherwise.

You are not otherwise.

You are the definitive collection of thoughts in this reality and the next.

You are here to create power.

So get going.

Your Imaginary Friend,

Patrick Grabbs

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.