It took me a long time to figure out what caused me to become to so fed up with my circumstances in life that I finally took an action.
Not just any action, either.
The massive action required to finally go out and achieve the things I’ve always dreamed of doing.
I don’t know the exact recipe for it, but I know it had something to do with my unhappiness.
A feeling of unfulfillment that I couldn’t get rid of, no matter how hard I tried.
Something that was so different than what I felt in my 20s.
It’s damn hard to trace the root cause of the thing that actually causes this feeling…
There’s so many variables and no way of going back and establishing some kind of control.
Not like you can do when you’re marketing online; setting up split tests and duplicating ad sets.
Or even as a scientist in a lab, able to perform a test on several different rats at a time.
I wasn’t experimenting with my life when I started living it; I just went for it.
Looking back at things, my human brain pushes me to grab on to the simple and easy explanation.
The black and white, easy to digest reasons of course.
It tells me that a big reason was because of her; an ex girlfriend that cheated on me years ago.
Remembering our big laughs together, that feeling that I would start a family with this chick someday.
Breaking down at my moms house; so many emotions seemingly out of my control.
It would be cliche to say something inside myself died that day, and maybe that’s what happened but I still wouldn’t call it a root cause.
And in fact it wasn’t her that I was mourning; it was the realization of how much of my happiness was riding on an illusion.
A few months after her I found the same thing with another girl and allowed the same destructive pattern to happen all over again.
It was almost like I was purposely putting myself in harms way, strutting in front of the firing squad.
Once I found out that I could do it and survive, I wanted to try it again.
Even after getting nuked this second time, I still crawled out of the radiation with a smile on all three of my heads.
It was around this time that I was starting to smoke a lot of weed for the first time, and became very introspective.
I wondered if it could have been this new experimentation that changed the way I viewed the world.
If that were the case, then the amount of drugs I did in my youth would have took that off the table a long time ago.
Could the fact that I had been doing meth from 15 until 20 been caught up with me?
That certainly was a long time to be doing such an unpredictable substance that was probably cooked up in someones bathtub.
But then I fell in love after that; a long time after that.
I don’t base my happiness on if I’m in love or not, by the way, but they are definitely key points I can remember feeling that sense of ultimate satisfaction.
To think that something had me thinking of settling down in an East Texas town and working at a small car dealership the rest of my life.
Something had moved me to quickly take that action, and that something was pussy at the time.
That’s where I used to deriving my fulfillment from at the time; each new chick was something I place in the “win” column.
I had a lot of wins.
It’s the only thing that I knew would create enough validation for me to feel complete.
I’d meet a girl, figure her out, we’d have drunken sex and then maybe do it again for a few months.
That was the ebb and flow of the challenge needed to release the dopamine in my brain for me to feel good about myself.
When you break it down, all anyone is really trying to do is feel good, and once you get a taste of it you keep going.
So if someone is getting that from video games or eating their fatass into a food coma there’s really nothing for us to say about it, as long as they aren’t a dredge on the economy or hurting anyone else.
If you can still get those sausage fingers on a calculator and crunch those numbers then I am in your corner, but don’t be trying to change the rules to make everyone else say you are beautiful.
There are rules, Smoke.
This is a league game.
But I get it; it is definitely hard to recreate the ultimate feeling of love and – dare I say it – contentment in this world.
Especially with all the ruts available for you to fall into, places where you can feel safe and snug and get this feeling from worshopping idols.
I’ve had these idols, too.
I’ve met them and talked to them and discovered that they were not as happy as I was in those high points of my life, they were not as happy as what they projected into the world.
The Cloud 9 they were projecting was nothing like the Cloud 9 of my memories.
Behind the scenes there no satisfaction; there was anger, resentment and scarcity.
But let’s just assume you’ve gone and done the unthinkable and set the infamous “goal” for yourself.
Ah yes, the goal.
The dream, something that you have no idea whether or not it will get you where you want to go; but somehow you believe that it will.
You trust that it will lead you to the promised land, that when you get to it you will reach that happily ever after.
That’s the one place where it will all finally come together for you, and that you will feel complete again.
For people that are always pushing to the next level, it can seem like the goal posts always get moved further and further away.
Without a doubt you can still have this feeling and work towards that goal.
The feeling of contentment and the search for more aren’t mutually exclusive; you can have your cake and eat it, too.
You just have to discover what delivers that for you outside here in the true reality and make that move.
This feeling can be had, but what gives it to you outside of the illusions people are selling you?
If you feel that a woman will complete you, then you are the victim of subconscious programming and it won’t be long until you are destroyed.
Some people are comfortable with that; they’re more than happy to find out on their own.
The same thing goes for anything you see on any billboard or advertisement.
The only thing that lasts forever is the internal happiness.
When I sit down and think about it, the true root of my unhappiness came when I stopped being myself.
The control had been there all along; in every situation when I was able to fall in love I wasn’t wearing a mask.
The same thing with the meth, the same thing with any other time in my life I had felt this sense of being complete.
Even back when I first started working at the car dealership; I wasn’t hiding anything about who I was.
I was more than happy to talk about my little condo to people like it was a mansion, because it was one to me and you couldn’t convince me otherwise.
People just had to accept that in my reality.
This feeling of happiness came from running around and being myself without any concern for what people thought about me.
I showed up as exactly who I was in those moments.
I could have lived in that place forever, drinking and getting girls without sacrificing who I was.
Everything would have came to me if I would have just been more willing to put my thoughts down and buy into myself more, without the desire for self-destructive action.
So many drunk nights I remember coming home and typing out long pages of material and leaving it for morning, at which point I would delete it.
That shit was real, and should have been shared with the world.
Instead one day I gave up and someone offered me the opportunity to put my soul on the line.
I had never put my soul into anything outside of my own self that I kept hidden before; not even the car business.
Fuck the car business, I thought. They were lucky I showed up.
That was a no-bullshit relationship.
Come, fuck and go home.
Some of the businesses are out here trying to convince you to sell your soul for them.
I remember the day I truly made that trade; I looked at it as a gift.
The day I started trading those things off was the day I put on the mask, the day I sold out.
When I bought into what someone else was selling more than I bought into myself.
“This is it,” I thought.
Same thing with the illusion behind the two girlfriends.
I ended up covering who I was truly in order to appease and people please.
The day I put on that mask was the day that the unhappiness was written in blood.
Things started to lose their flavor and I felt like a ghost moving among the living.
Relationships with my family and friends started to drift apart.
The thing is that being you is more shocking than ever these days.
Yes people are going to be shocked by someone speaking the truth; that’s the world we live in.
But that’s trick to fulfillment though.
Those times and feelings of complete come from baring your true soul to the world.
If it is hidden from view, there will no feeling of satisfaction, not even during your journey to your goals.
Even when you reach them, you will still not feel good about what you have done.
You won’t be able to enjoy it; even when you get there you’ll wonder where it is.
Some folks have resigned themselves to this fate.
There could be nothing more freightening for them than to be themselves.
Everything they’ve worked so hard for would crumble around them.
It is the control in my life.
It’s something that I now work on daily.
It used to be so easy for me, and then gradually day by day, I sold those pieces off like a garage sale.
You can build new ones up in the same way you can build new money beliefs up.
You can utilize subconcious reprogramming to break down this barrier.
It’s just like seduction, when a girl falls for you she is yours and most alpha men stop giving fucks immediately after the first fuck.
This puts them in position, they still maintain the contact but the fucks are gone.
This is the way it should be the world and your art; you should seduce with it and always remember that there’s nothing serious in this world.
Beta males will continue to try and make things work after sex; try to get all fancy with it.
They’ll go home and immediately start figuring out which mask they need to put on.
Which combination of masks will be appropriate for whatever occasion.
This fear, these excuses in your head that keep you from walking around being yourself.
All of the questions start popping up, and the moment you start acknowledging their presence the moment you start giving away your opportunity for happiness.
You brain begins to melt during this process, meaning that it will take just a long to recover from this as it did to make the mess.
The mind is just like your body; if your stuffing it with Oreos every day it will become fat and you will have a hard time getting it back to normal.
Take care of it by regularly checking yourself to see if you are giving entirely too many fucks.
Free your mind,
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