I believe in having a relationship with reality…

Like an actual relationship you’d have with a woman.

The more you take care of her and communicate with her, the more love she shows you back.

When the communication within this relationship is good, the frame in which you choose to see this reality gives you more of the good.

When it’s bad, you still exist in the frame but the results become negative.

Over the years I’ve lived this out and saw my dreams manifested in different ways.

I was indoctrinated at an early age to believe in Christianity, perhaps this was my initial programming.

It would be over 30 years before that idea was truly challenged… 

Until then, I existed inside a world of God and the Devil, angels and demons.

I witnessed miracles and I leveraged the relationship with God to gain important milestones in my life; namely my freedom from prison.

I remember always asking God if He’d just give me one more shot, let me make it one more day…

I would never turn my back on Him again.

Promises of a broken boy at the end of his rope, trying anything to become free again.

I look back and realize I have renegged on every last one of those pacts.

Call it what you will, but there are no pacts to be made amongst tyrants, and the world that I lived in consisted of devotion to a deity who created my circumstances in the first place.

He was omnipresent, and in this reality I was free of the burden of responsibility as there was no such thing as “free will”, anyways.

The choice of Heaven or Hell is not really a choice, now is it?

For years I lived with the knowledge that I had turned my back on this deity time and time again, and during this time I experienced the most profound anxiety I’ve ever felt.

I had crushing panic attacks during which time I was chased by actual demons inside my mind.

Living in a world teetering on the edge of Armageddon, I hoped that if Jesus came back and left me here on Earth that I would have at least one more chance at redemption, unless I died at which point I would just be thrown into a lake of fire.

A day never went by where I didn’t think about this possibility.

Last night I had a dream about going back to prison, and I have no idea what sparked this.

It put into my mind how the dream world is no different than the real world.

It’s the same shit, the same feelings… There is no way to distinguish the two at all.

When you are in one, you experiencing without the knowledge that the other exists as the true reality.

You’re in the dream and you think it’s the real world. 

You fear it the same way, you have the same anxieties.

And obviously, you must have some kind of memory of the previous day in the dream otherwise it wouldn’t make any sense.

So it must have continuation the same way this “reality” you are expiencing does.

I spent two years inside a prison last night, counting down the months and then the days until freedom.

Once I got out, I did something stupid and immediately went right back in for another two years.

I was so mad at myself for doing this yet again, and was totally unaware of my own control over the situation.

Unaware that somewhere, somehow, there was a version of me who was carefully crafting this situation out of bits and pieces of emotion and feelings I was experiencing in another world.

Are we simply dreams compiled of the subconscious of other version of ourselves?

And are these alternate worlds simply a barometer of your relationship with reality in this actual realm?

My mind was 20 again, only still in the body of a 34 year old.

I mentally prepared myself to do this next two years, and get out when I was 38.

I created this world inside my mind last night, and that relationship with reality was much different than it was when I created this world of Heaven and Hell.

Around the time I turned 30, I decided that enough was enough, and I needed to create a way out of this pain and torture.

I started to read about all of the ways that religion just didn’t add up, and it made sense.

It was a true revelation, and from that point I felt my relationship with reality shift again, only this time there was nothing.

I was fully atheist, and the world meant nothing.

I was simply the product of stardust, and when I was gone I would disappear and none of this would have mattered one bit.

Which was fine, for a while.

I ventured into a deep learning about the universe and the planets, and for a time that worked.

After a year, things got very, very boring and sterile.

I was free of the mental anguish but also of the goodness, the feeling that someone had my back.

The feeling of joy I could get from talking back to that totalitarian deity, the father.

It was amazing and fulfilling when the communication was strong, and terrible when it wasn’t, but it was better than this NOTHING.

But there wasn’t any going back, in my eyes.

I’m sure I could go back, but I’ve never been one for going back.

It was time to see the next frontier, but what could that be?

Around this time a girl showed up to a party when a hit of LSD, something I’d never been able to find in my life.

We took a hit together and off we went together down the rabbit hole, at which point I saw my own ability to create these worlds and discovered the idea of simulation theory.

That we are all just in some game from the future, playing out lives and past lives over and over again.

Apes with access to infinite technology; I could see myself stored inside the ones and zeroes of a hard drive in a data center on a distant planet.

I could see you stored inside your hard drive.

At this point I realized that the world as you create it awaits, whichever you choose will be right.

I realized that this system will follow your lead, whichever way you decide to go.

That thinking about your job or where your next check is coming from is a waste of your creative energy, and that you should be fulfilling a prophecy right now.

Your own prophecy.

It’s time to do something they will crucify you for, and why not?

Fuck them.

You are the son of God, the Holy Spirit and GOD.

You could crucify yourself and come back, because you can.

You can be the devil, and you are and you have been time and time again.

Which is much easier to believe that you aren’t.

So today my new relationship with amazing and fulfilling.

I live on the Island of the Gods as a God and with the gods.

The world I live in is complex, and full to the brim.

It contains all of the gods, the devils, heaven and hells and purgatories.

It includes your god and their god and his god and her god.

It contains magic and dragons, spirits and ghosts, monsters and angels.

I have decided to populate this place with all of the things, and see where that goes.


Because I fucking feel like it, that’s why.

I want to see what happens at the stage of my evolution.

What will the fantasy world bring to the equation?

What will an abundance bring?

It could turn out to be too much, in which case I will have to backtrack and find a balance, but for now…

This is what I choose.

More than enough.

Nothing has killed me so far, and so let’s see how far this rabbit hole goes.

Free your mind,

Patrick Grabbs

Yung Y33t

Your Imaginary Friend

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